My Yarns Will Keep Me Warm

Family always has relationship advice. Mostly because their happiness depends on you getting married and having babies for them to spoil. When younger members of your family start to get married the pressure is really on. I recently went to my cousin’s beautiful wedding. I am helping my grandmother out of the car and a handful of suited groomsmen walk out of the church, I don’t even notice their presence until my concerned grandma loudly informs me, “Oh Karen, there you go maybe you can marry one of them.”….wow, really! This is the same grandmother who gave me the following advice, “ I don’t think you have a boyfriend because the first time they mess up you dump them.” What can I say she has me figured out. I tried to explain to her that when the first thing they mess up on is telling me they want to have sex with other women, then yes I get rid of them. This didn’t seem to matter I should still give them another chance. Thank god times have changed because I would rather be single and happy then insecure and coupled up. Even though I know I have been right in all of my choices to rid certain men from my life it got me thinking about expectations.

When going out for the night you never want to build the events up in your head. High expectations usually bring a disappointing evening. When you least expect to have fun it always turns into the best night ever. So it should be the same with relationships. I have heard and been guilty of meeting a guy and thinking, out loud, how amazing he is and how this is going to work out. Three weeks later your downing a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby wondering why you don’t have one.

My other cousin has a cool how I met my husband stories. She was going to a friend’s party where her and this guy were being set up together. Both admit they wanted no part of a blind set up since they had been exhausted by the dating scene. However, they both reluctantly attended the party and spent the entire night hitting it off and now they’re married. People always say it will happen when you least expect it. My question is when does it change from not expecting anything, taking things day by day, to seeing yourself with this person? Because let me tell you I have done that whole low expectations things and right when I decided that I could possibly date this person (three months from meeting them) they pulled the rug out from under me. I’ve also had instant chemistry with a guy. He seemed very interested then when I made myself available he stopped trying to get to know me. It feels like a loosing battle.

My engaged friends ask me how my love life is going. I give them the usual shrug which means I don’t want to talk about it and they respond with, “Don’t worry you’ll find him”, like I’m looking for my lost puppy. Here’s the thing that most coupled people, single guys , and grandmothers don’t understand: there are women like me that are not looking for husbands. Shocking I know! I look at a husband as more of a side effect of a long term relationship than a goal. However, I wouldn’t mind to just stand still with one person for a while. One of my friends told me about an article where 30% of women who ended up divorced or in a miserable relationship say they knew it wasn’t right and walked down the aisle anyway. I love what my friend said in response to the article, “That’s what happens when it’s a race to get a ring not making a lifelong commitment”. So see guys! We’re out there, the ones that aren’t trying to ball and chain you just so we can wear a rock.

So I guess what my question is, how do you turn off your expectations when they’re not that high to being with?

This is Kimya Dawson and the song is called Tire Swing. I love her soft melodic sound and this has one of my favorite song lyrics in it, “If I’m a spinster for the rest of my life my yarns will keep me warm on cold and lonely nights”. Now the dummy who posted this video got the line wrong in his lyric scroll, which is a little annoying because I think it’s hilarious and true.

No Man Is Worth...

It is well known that the limbic cortex part of the brain is larger in women than in men. This size difference accounts for why women are more emotional. However, additional studies show that men have just as strong, if not stronger, emotional responses to stimuli the only difference is that men immediately hide these emotions while women tend to wave them around like a homecoming banner. This difference is why a heartbroken woman will call all of her closest friends and family and analyze what she did wrong while a man will seclude himself in room for two months. Ever see the movie Swingers? The scene with John Favreau, Ron Livingston , and the orange juice is the perfect glimpse of how men deal with break ups. So what is it? Why do we go off the deep end?

While it is understandable that both sexes struggle with the loss of a relationship I don’t understand how women will morn the loss of a man whom they are not in a committed relationship with and treats them like dirt. To clarify, I have never heard a man say, “I don‘t get why she says she loves me, but still wants to date that other guy”. Now if I had a dime for every woman that said this I would be kicking it with the Kardashians. Actually I still wouldn’t want that, but you get the point. And no I did not make that quote up I have a friend that was told,“I love you, you’re the one, but I don’t want to be in a relationship with you right now”. STUPID! Ladies, why do we grieve over something that never existed?

Time and time again I hear echoes of empty promises traveling through the air as my friends share stories about the men they’re involved with and frankly I’m tried of it. Not of listening to my friends of course, but of the BS that ladies put up with. And further more the affects of disappointment and heartbreak that weighs them down everyday. Why do we let one person have a catastrophic effect on us? I have dated men that are incredibly emotionally barricaded due to a bad relationship. I just want to shake them and say, “I’m not her” but that would be weird and overly violent. There are people out there that can get over relationships quickly, I happen to be one of them. If I make a decision it is rare that anyone can change it. My buddy Brooklyn asked me a couple weeks ago, “How do you get over them [failed relationships] so fast?” My answer is: I accept that I feel the regret of not being someone they want, then I get pissed for letting someone cut me down, I allow that to marinate for awhile, finally I remind myself that battling to have someone in your life that isn’t ready to accept you is pointless. So screw them, their loss, move on! Of course sometimes it’s hard but don’t fight for someone whom isn’t fighting for you.

I want to share the lyrics to one of the most brilliant female vocalists/ lyricist of our time, Ms. Lauryn Hill. This is her verse in Manifest by The Fugees both in a music clip and written to aid with the point I am trying to drive home.



"You see I loved hard once, but the love wasn't returned
I found out the man I'd die for, he wasn't even concerned
And time it turned,
He tried to burn me like a perm
Though my eyes saw the deception, My heart wouldn't let me learn
From um, some, dumb woman, was I,
And everytime he'd lie, he would cry and inside I'd die.
My heart must have died a thousand deaths
Compared myself to Toni Braxton thought I'd never catch my breath
Nothing left, he stole the heart beating from my chest
I tried to call the cops, that type of thief they can't arrest
Pain suppressed, will lead to cardiac arrest
Diamonds deserve diamonds, but he convinced me I was worth less
when my peoples would protest,
I told them mind their business, cause my shit was complex
More than just the sex
I was blessed, but couldn't feel it like when I was caressed
I'd spend nights clutching my breasts overwhelmed by God's test
I was God's best contemplating death with a Gillette
But no man is ever worth the paradise MANIFEST"

Fireball Swag

Happy Friday Everyone! Today’s video is from a women who knows how to SWAG it out! Now some of you have asked me what I meant by swag just watch any Dev video and you’ll get the point. This chick rocks. Most of her videos you can hear on the radio, but she has a lot that you just have to scrounge for. I’m luck enough to have one of my Mixmaster put together a complication of hers. The video for In The Dark is brilliant, except for the snake I don’t ever condone the use of snakes (not sexy just scary), so check it out. This however is Fireball so enjoy my Friday send off.

Also a big shout out to my little cousin, by one whole year, he’s getting married tomorrow! I’m very happy for him and his new wifey. And he best believe I’ll be rocking that singles table like a CHAMP! I actually don’t know what I mean by that, but I’ll gather my other single cousins and make all the married people jealous with our shenanigans…okay once again probably not., but you can count on some drinking and picture taking…woohoo!

Love and Authenticity

My apologies for not writing last week. I have a lot on my plate with work and to be honest was feeling a little defeated by The Game. I never want this blog to turn into a bitch fest and like the saying goes, if you don’t have anything nice to say…”. So I decided to plead the Fifth on relationships slash dating last week. However, since life is the ultimate roller coaster I have been having a much better week. I also had a discussion with a family member/reader of mine where he suggested that I hate men, which of course was said in a joking manner, however I want to clear the air. I do not hate men. If I did I would not dedicate so energy into figuring them out and I would date girls, which is also something I don’t do. What I do hate is the feeling left behind on women by a bad date or boyfriend. It seems that my friends have their lives together, but what goes awry and most of my communications focus around are dysfunctional relationships. In fact I received a text message from a friend who has been justifiably venting about a man in her life. After she vents the specifics she usually ends with a blanket ‘I Want’ statement, as I am sure we all do. She wrote, “I’m so over being the one to make a move. If we’re chasing them then guess what? NOBODY is chasing us! I want to be chased! Like rape whistle mace sprayin’ intense chase.” If only more men were as determined as Al Green in his song Can’t Get Next To You. My friend crackes me up because I know exactly how she feels. Obviously she is exaggerating to get her point across, but the sentiment still hits home, which is exactly what I write about. I want women to know they are not alone in their feelings and I want men to gain a better understanding so they don’t assume we have bought a timeshare in Crazyville.

Do you ever listen to your girl friend rant about her most recent looser and the only advice you can muster is, “Well it can only get better”, cliché or not it is usually true. I mean if things for Kristen Wig's character in Bridesmaids works out then real life will too, hopefully! By the way can we talk about how the first ten minuets of that film is such a relatable scenes for single women. I cannot tell you how many of my friends relate to her character and how we all dream of one day finding a man like Officer Rhoades! Also way to go film industry for making a movie that is true to the way women think, feel, and act while still being HILARIOUS and not condescending. Getting back to the point I have always been a huge believer that people are thrown into our lives with a purpose. It does not matter if they’re in our life for an hour or 60 years. If you are in your late twenties to early thirties and are single then it is a fair assumption you have dated a decent number of men. It would be easy to write most of them off as jerks or incompetent in the ways of a woman, but I like to think of it in a more positive light. Every time you put yourself out there by going on one date or even dating for a couple of months you have the opportunity to learn about yourself.

As mentioned earlier I was feeling pretty beat up by the dating scene last week. Nothing major happened there was no special event worth mentioning. Sometimes it is just a battle between the blasted internal clock and what I actually want for my life. This past week I had a huge light bulb moment. I figured out why the men I date do not have any staying potential. Simply stated they lack the core values I believe in. Now I recently went to a work conference where we were shown a video by a speaker named, Simon Sinek. He talked about community and attracting people with the same beliefs as you. Here is a summary of what he said:

To be authentic you must say and do the things you actually believe. Because the things you say and do are symbols of what you believe, then you’ll attract people who believe what you believe. We surround ourselves with the people and products that symbolize who we are. These symbols say, I’m a little bit like you, so we form bonds quickly. When we find people who believe what we believe we are weirdly drawn to them because our very survival depends on it. Because we are the same we will look out for each other. This is called community, a group of people that has the same sets of beliefs and look out for each other to increase survival.

This is the key that I have been missing. I have been so open to new experiences that I put to much weight into the idea of possibility without actually getting down to the core of the person. I encourage you to look back at the last 3 people you have dated. Did they actually possess the same beliefs as you? I am not saying that you have to be the same person or have the same opinions. The idea is not you are a Republican and I’m Democrat so we cannot date. Instead ask yourself does this person have the same passion for life as I do? Do they have the same family beliefs? What do they want from their life and how does that fit into what I want from mine? If I was being honest with myself and asked those questions about the last 3 men I’ve dated, then I would not have spent so much time trying to figure out what I did wrong. Instead I would have seen that they were not a good fit for my life, so thank you for the experience and good times, but NEXT. I need to make room for someone that will both challenge and value me the way I do them.

This video is Lenka’s The Show. I love her corky style and genuine lyrics. This may sound familiar I feel like it was used on a commercial a couple years ago. Don’t let that distract you from her message.