Riddle Me This

There are a lot of women that are tired of hearing cop-outs like: I have a lot on my plate, I just got a new job, My heart was handed to me…5 years ago. Why do people insist on giving excuses instead of the truth? At least with honesty there are no questions or false hope. Hope is a lingering pain where the truth is a short drop.

Men talk short hand to each other, but when talking to women they beat around the bush instead of giving clear cut answers. As women we tend to come up with elaborate stories as to why a guy hasn’t called or doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I feel this is a conditioned response due to the riddling nature of any conversations where a man has to explain himself. I have never once in all my years of dating had a guy with the balls to say, hey I just don’t want to date you. Is it because they’re trying to consider our feelings? They don’t want to be harsh? It doesn’t have to be said bluntly, but it should be said in some form or another. I once told a guy that I didn’t want to see him anymore because I felt we lacked chemistry. I thought that would make a clean break and was a damn fine answer but he still tries to call me every once in awhile. I’m starting to think he’s a masochist. Either way the chemistry will never be there and I just wanted to be honest.

I think what drives girls crazy is the not knowing. Not being able to figure out what is going on inside a guys head. When you are into someone that doesn’t appear to be into you there are always questions like, Am I not their type? Not funny enough? Are my boobs to small? Every insecurity a woman has ever felt is magnified. Maybe men unintentionally leads women on because they don’t want to have the daunting conversation that will cease fire on all the questions. It is easier to ignore the problem than to face the firing squad. Not to mention technology makes ignoring so much easier these days.

Why do we feel the need to let the other person down slowly when we decide not to further the relationship? Would you rather have your feelings spared with an excuse or do you want to hear the truth even if it stings a bit?

This video is a live performance of Sara Bareilles. She starts with a cover of Cee Lo Green’s Fuck You, then she goes into her song, Gunna Get Over You. No, it doesn’t exactly tie into this weeks blog, but it does make me feel better when I think of a certain fool in my semi-recent dating life J

My Yarns Will Keep Me Warm

Family always has relationship advice. Mostly because their happiness depends on you getting married and having babies for them to spoil. When younger members of your family start to get married the pressure is really on. I recently went to my cousin’s beautiful wedding. I am helping my grandmother out of the car and a handful of suited groomsmen walk out of the church, I don’t even notice their presence until my concerned grandma loudly informs me, “Oh Karen, there you go maybe you can marry one of them.”….wow, really! This is the same grandmother who gave me the following advice, “ I don’t think you have a boyfriend because the first time they mess up you dump them.” What can I say she has me figured out. I tried to explain to her that when the first thing they mess up on is telling me they want to have sex with other women, then yes I get rid of them. This didn’t seem to matter I should still give them another chance. Thank god times have changed because I would rather be single and happy then insecure and coupled up. Even though I know I have been right in all of my choices to rid certain men from my life it got me thinking about expectations.

When going out for the night you never want to build the events up in your head. High expectations usually bring a disappointing evening. When you least expect to have fun it always turns into the best night ever. So it should be the same with relationships. I have heard and been guilty of meeting a guy and thinking, out loud, how amazing he is and how this is going to work out. Three weeks later your downing a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby wondering why you don’t have one.

My other cousin has a cool how I met my husband stories. She was going to a friend’s party where her and this guy were being set up together. Both admit they wanted no part of a blind set up since they had been exhausted by the dating scene. However, they both reluctantly attended the party and spent the entire night hitting it off and now they’re married. People always say it will happen when you least expect it. My question is when does it change from not expecting anything, taking things day by day, to seeing yourself with this person? Because let me tell you I have done that whole low expectations things and right when I decided that I could possibly date this person (three months from meeting them) they pulled the rug out from under me. I’ve also had instant chemistry with a guy. He seemed very interested then when I made myself available he stopped trying to get to know me. It feels like a loosing battle.

My engaged friends ask me how my love life is going. I give them the usual shrug which means I don’t want to talk about it and they respond with, “Don’t worry you’ll find him”, like I’m looking for my lost puppy. Here’s the thing that most coupled people, single guys , and grandmothers don’t understand: there are women like me that are not looking for husbands. Shocking I know! I look at a husband as more of a side effect of a long term relationship than a goal. However, I wouldn’t mind to just stand still with one person for a while. One of my friends told me about an article where 30% of women who ended up divorced or in a miserable relationship say they knew it wasn’t right and walked down the aisle anyway. I love what my friend said in response to the article, “That’s what happens when it’s a race to get a ring not making a lifelong commitment”. So see guys! We’re out there, the ones that aren’t trying to ball and chain you just so we can wear a rock.

So I guess what my question is, how do you turn off your expectations when they’re not that high to being with?

This is Kimya Dawson and the song is called Tire Swing. I love her soft melodic sound and this has one of my favorite song lyrics in it, “If I’m a spinster for the rest of my life my yarns will keep me warm on cold and lonely nights”. Now the dummy who posted this video got the line wrong in his lyric scroll, which is a little annoying because I think it’s hilarious and true.

No Man Is Worth...

It is well known that the limbic cortex part of the brain is larger in women than in men. This size difference accounts for why women are more emotional. However, additional studies show that men have just as strong, if not stronger, emotional responses to stimuli the only difference is that men immediately hide these emotions while women tend to wave them around like a homecoming banner. This difference is why a heartbroken woman will call all of her closest friends and family and analyze what she did wrong while a man will seclude himself in room for two months. Ever see the movie Swingers? The scene with John Favreau, Ron Livingston , and the orange juice is the perfect glimpse of how men deal with break ups. So what is it? Why do we go off the deep end?

While it is understandable that both sexes struggle with the loss of a relationship I don’t understand how women will morn the loss of a man whom they are not in a committed relationship with and treats them like dirt. To clarify, I have never heard a man say, “I don‘t get why she says she loves me, but still wants to date that other guy”. Now if I had a dime for every woman that said this I would be kicking it with the Kardashians. Actually I still wouldn’t want that, but you get the point. And no I did not make that quote up I have a friend that was told,“I love you, you’re the one, but I don’t want to be in a relationship with you right now”. STUPID! Ladies, why do we grieve over something that never existed?

Time and time again I hear echoes of empty promises traveling through the air as my friends share stories about the men they’re involved with and frankly I’m tried of it. Not of listening to my friends of course, but of the BS that ladies put up with. And further more the affects of disappointment and heartbreak that weighs them down everyday. Why do we let one person have a catastrophic effect on us? I have dated men that are incredibly emotionally barricaded due to a bad relationship. I just want to shake them and say, “I’m not her” but that would be weird and overly violent. There are people out there that can get over relationships quickly, I happen to be one of them. If I make a decision it is rare that anyone can change it. My buddy Brooklyn asked me a couple weeks ago, “How do you get over them [failed relationships] so fast?” My answer is: I accept that I feel the regret of not being someone they want, then I get pissed for letting someone cut me down, I allow that to marinate for awhile, finally I remind myself that battling to have someone in your life that isn’t ready to accept you is pointless. So screw them, their loss, move on! Of course sometimes it’s hard but don’t fight for someone whom isn’t fighting for you.

I want to share the lyrics to one of the most brilliant female vocalists/ lyricist of our time, Ms. Lauryn Hill. This is her verse in Manifest by The Fugees both in a music clip and written to aid with the point I am trying to drive home.



"You see I loved hard once, but the love wasn't returned
I found out the man I'd die for, he wasn't even concerned
And time it turned,
He tried to burn me like a perm
Though my eyes saw the deception, My heart wouldn't let me learn
From um, some, dumb woman, was I,
And everytime he'd lie, he would cry and inside I'd die.
My heart must have died a thousand deaths
Compared myself to Toni Braxton thought I'd never catch my breath
Nothing left, he stole the heart beating from my chest
I tried to call the cops, that type of thief they can't arrest
Pain suppressed, will lead to cardiac arrest
Diamonds deserve diamonds, but he convinced me I was worth less
when my peoples would protest,
I told them mind their business, cause my shit was complex
More than just the sex
I was blessed, but couldn't feel it like when I was caressed
I'd spend nights clutching my breasts overwhelmed by God's test
I was God's best contemplating death with a Gillette
But no man is ever worth the paradise MANIFEST"

Fireball Swag

Happy Friday Everyone! Today’s video is from a women who knows how to SWAG it out! Now some of you have asked me what I meant by swag just watch any Dev video and you’ll get the point. This chick rocks. Most of her videos you can hear on the radio, but she has a lot that you just have to scrounge for. I’m luck enough to have one of my Mixmaster put together a complication of hers. The video for In The Dark is brilliant, except for the snake I don’t ever condone the use of snakes (not sexy just scary), so check it out. This however is Fireball so enjoy my Friday send off.

Also a big shout out to my little cousin, by one whole year, he’s getting married tomorrow! I’m very happy for him and his new wifey. And he best believe I’ll be rocking that singles table like a CHAMP! I actually don’t know what I mean by that, but I’ll gather my other single cousins and make all the married people jealous with our shenanigans…okay once again probably not., but you can count on some drinking and picture taking…woohoo!

Love and Authenticity

My apologies for not writing last week. I have a lot on my plate with work and to be honest was feeling a little defeated by The Game. I never want this blog to turn into a bitch fest and like the saying goes, if you don’t have anything nice to say…”. So I decided to plead the Fifth on relationships slash dating last week. However, since life is the ultimate roller coaster I have been having a much better week. I also had a discussion with a family member/reader of mine where he suggested that I hate men, which of course was said in a joking manner, however I want to clear the air. I do not hate men. If I did I would not dedicate so energy into figuring them out and I would date girls, which is also something I don’t do. What I do hate is the feeling left behind on women by a bad date or boyfriend. It seems that my friends have their lives together, but what goes awry and most of my communications focus around are dysfunctional relationships. In fact I received a text message from a friend who has been justifiably venting about a man in her life. After she vents the specifics she usually ends with a blanket ‘I Want’ statement, as I am sure we all do. She wrote, “I’m so over being the one to make a move. If we’re chasing them then guess what? NOBODY is chasing us! I want to be chased! Like rape whistle mace sprayin’ intense chase.” If only more men were as determined as Al Green in his song Can’t Get Next To You. My friend crackes me up because I know exactly how she feels. Obviously she is exaggerating to get her point across, but the sentiment still hits home, which is exactly what I write about. I want women to know they are not alone in their feelings and I want men to gain a better understanding so they don’t assume we have bought a timeshare in Crazyville.

Do you ever listen to your girl friend rant about her most recent looser and the only advice you can muster is, “Well it can only get better”, cliché or not it is usually true. I mean if things for Kristen Wig's character in Bridesmaids works out then real life will too, hopefully! By the way can we talk about how the first ten minuets of that film is such a relatable scenes for single women. I cannot tell you how many of my friends relate to her character and how we all dream of one day finding a man like Officer Rhoades! Also way to go film industry for making a movie that is true to the way women think, feel, and act while still being HILARIOUS and not condescending. Getting back to the point I have always been a huge believer that people are thrown into our lives with a purpose. It does not matter if they’re in our life for an hour or 60 years. If you are in your late twenties to early thirties and are single then it is a fair assumption you have dated a decent number of men. It would be easy to write most of them off as jerks or incompetent in the ways of a woman, but I like to think of it in a more positive light. Every time you put yourself out there by going on one date or even dating for a couple of months you have the opportunity to learn about yourself.

As mentioned earlier I was feeling pretty beat up by the dating scene last week. Nothing major happened there was no special event worth mentioning. Sometimes it is just a battle between the blasted internal clock and what I actually want for my life. This past week I had a huge light bulb moment. I figured out why the men I date do not have any staying potential. Simply stated they lack the core values I believe in. Now I recently went to a work conference where we were shown a video by a speaker named, Simon Sinek. He talked about community and attracting people with the same beliefs as you. Here is a summary of what he said:

To be authentic you must say and do the things you actually believe. Because the things you say and do are symbols of what you believe, then you’ll attract people who believe what you believe. We surround ourselves with the people and products that symbolize who we are. These symbols say, I’m a little bit like you, so we form bonds quickly. When we find people who believe what we believe we are weirdly drawn to them because our very survival depends on it. Because we are the same we will look out for each other. This is called community, a group of people that has the same sets of beliefs and look out for each other to increase survival.

This is the key that I have been missing. I have been so open to new experiences that I put to much weight into the idea of possibility without actually getting down to the core of the person. I encourage you to look back at the last 3 people you have dated. Did they actually possess the same beliefs as you? I am not saying that you have to be the same person or have the same opinions. The idea is not you are a Republican and I’m Democrat so we cannot date. Instead ask yourself does this person have the same passion for life as I do? Do they have the same family beliefs? What do they want from their life and how does that fit into what I want from mine? If I was being honest with myself and asked those questions about the last 3 men I’ve dated, then I would not have spent so much time trying to figure out what I did wrong. Instead I would have seen that they were not a good fit for my life, so thank you for the experience and good times, but NEXT. I need to make room for someone that will both challenge and value me the way I do them.

This video is Lenka’s The Show. I love her corky style and genuine lyrics. This may sound familiar I feel like it was used on a commercial a couple years ago. Don’t let that distract you from her message.

Happy Pagan Friday

I think it is only appropriate to dedicate this Friday Weekend Kick Off to Lady Gaga. I mean you will be seeing her in hoards for the next 4 days. I choose Judas not only because Halloween is after all a Pagan ritual, but also because her Judas is that bad boy that we can’t help but follow.

So here’s to all you Beautiful Independent Little Monsters out there. Have fun and stay safe!

Dear Brain: Shut Up! Love, Heart

Overanalyze: to separate (a material or abstract entity) into constituent parts or elements AKA to over think things to the point of it either being annoying or ruining your relationships with people. This is a combination definition from two invaluable internet sources: Dictionary.com and Urban Dictionary. I know I really did doctorate level research on this one. Actually I don’t need library time for this topic I know it all to well. In fact I would use ‘overanalyze’ as a descriptive verb for my life. This is probably true for most females and I think it makes the top 3 in things men don’t like about women. We have a tendency to overanalyze every word, message, act that a man does or does not do AKA everything.

How many times has a man told you something as simple as, “I can’t come over tonight I have to wake up early for work tomorrow” and you actually stopped to think. It doesn’t matter what you thought about. It should be an immediate, “Ya of course we’ll get together later”. There should not be any questions that pop into your head, but they do, sneak buggers!

Piggybacking on the post, Can’t Fight This Feeling a couple days after the night in question I asked Solo if he hooked up with that girl (totally a cool chick unfortunate then that we both wanted to make out with his face and she beat me…lame). So he responded with, “ No I didn’t. I asked her to just leave” As utterly embarrassing as this next rhetorical question is I’m going to say it, just because I know for a FACT that some of you will relate to it, okay here it goes…Do you know how long I spent decoding what he meant by the word, “just”?????? Because the use of that word made it sounds like there was a story or reason. Now I am going to put on my Not Crazy hat and say he probably spent two seconds deciding his response to me and hasn’t thought about it sense. He probably asked her to leave because he was drunk and tired and that’s the bottom line.

There is no need to overanalyze men. Their actions speak volumes over anything they could say or write. A very wise woman stopped me in the middle of a classic relationship rant of mine and said, “Stop racking your brain and breaking you heart”, ah a brilliant woman, my mother. What a true statement though. I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had with my best girlfriends about the men in their lives and what he said to her and how he said it and what does it all mean. My new rule is: If you have to think about it then it is not worth your energy. Ladies I promise if a guy likes you there will be no questions needed, he’ll show you. If he wants to be left alone there will be no questions needed, he’ll be short, ignore your calls, be unexplainably busy, and will only want to hang out when it is convenient for him. So get over it, move on, it’s his loss. I promise there are at least three of his friends that think he is an idiot for not locking you down. I realize that the ratio of men to women in the United States is a joke and that women have to fight for the good ones, but look closer what do you see? I see that the women that are in relationships are the ones that don’t put up with any BS and call their man on his shit (sorry I couldn’t think of a more poetic way to phrase that, it is just the truth). So stop fighting for him and make him fight for you. Oh and tell your brain to give it a rest your heart is tired.

I told you I would have more music from my favorite band, Sleigh Bells. So here you go this is Run the Heart, also my favorite track off of their debut album, Treats. They're working on a new albumn now and I couldn't be more excited!

Lyrics: I wanna wanna hang a name on you…I wanna know whats good for you…you wanna wanna hang a name on me…you wanna know whats good for me…you don’t really wanna know…you take a heart I can take out two…you take a heart I can take out you…ah ah ah ah ah




And because I was in my lair of sickness this past week and missed Friday’s Music Weekend Kickoff here is an extra little something. This is BAGO: I Forget You and is produced by a friend of a friend, Alexander Spit an incredibly talented artist from San Francisco.

The Chicken Soup Myth

Singledom a time for exploration, independence, fancy free scheduling, self indulgence both emotionally and financially. I am one of those people that loves being on their own 99.9% of the time. When do I not enjoy this footloose lifestyle, when I’m sick and can’t get out of bed. Being single really stinks when you have a cold, the flu, or any other aliment that makes getting out of bed seem like the Incredible Journey.

Being successful in business means you probably put a lot of your time and effort into what you do. If you love your job you probably put in a longer work week than the average employee. If you are the boss and get paid salary then there are many hours being put in both at work and home. So when the weather changes and your immune system decides to not care how many meetings you have this week what happens? The big boss is down for the count.

Being a relationship this would be okay, in fact I can imagine quite nice. I would willingly hand over my control and independence to be nurtured. Instead us do-it-all women have to drag ourselves out of bed, drive to the grocery store to by medicine, soup, and Jello-O. Come home stand at the stove to make said soup and Jello-O, I recommend at the same time just to get the standing done at once. Then pour ourselves back into bed until hungry again, then get up and do it all over. I miss that time when your man would cook your soup, give your aching back a little massage, make sure you had enough Kleenex, put on a movie, and then leave you to your dark lair of sickness.

I am under the cynical belief that men only bring women soup in Tupperware in movies. I think this is a myth and any woman who has told me about their non boyfriend doing it for them….liars. Sorry, I’m sick and a little grouchy. Actually one of my close girlfriends had this happen to her a couple weeks ago. This guy she has been seeing for about a week or two dropped by her place with soup, I immediately approved of him. Because here is the other thing, us girls not so hot when sick. So if your dude is willing to stand by your side and not just text, “Hit me up when you feel better”, then I’d say he gets a gold star at the very least.

Francisca Valenzuela was born and raised in San Francisco until the age of 12 when she moved to Chile, which is where her family originates. This song Que Seria has nothing to do with this post topic. Except for sometimes when I am sick and can’t think straight I enjoy music that I can’t understand. It’s weird I know. You can find the lyrics translated to English if you want, but I think the video and her poetics say enough.

Wildfire

This video is from SBTRKT and is actually one guy. He is a DJ named Aaron Jerome from London. However this track, Wildfire features Swedish-Japanese singer Yukimi Nagano from the Swedish Electronic band Little Dragon. You Tube this and you’ll see Drake also released a remix of this song. Of course, because this blog is for women vocalist I am sharing with you Yukimi’s version, which I love and think is very very sexy, even if the video is very very creepy. Although dating is like that sometimes, both sexy and creepy, you never know what you’re going to get.

Can't Shake This Feelin'

There is always the one that got away. Whether you two are actually good for each other or not when you think about them you can’t help but wonder. As you may have picked up on by now I do not go for safe predictable guys probably because I am neither myself. Do remember those stupid Myspace quizzes, “Which flower are you?” and 21 year old floosies would answer “Lily” or “Rose“. I’m pretty sure if I was lame enough to take that quiz I would have been a Venus Fly Trap. I look calm and docile, but get too close and watch out. I really do not mean to be, but like most single women my age I cannot help it. Cynicism has been engrained through all the bad first dates and deceitful jerk offs I have had the disgrace of knowing. I wish there was a handy dandy “good guy” compass that could point me in the direction of a trustworthy man.

There is a man in my life that is slipping away. In fact I’m pretty sure it is Game Over. I will say that I put myself out there and made the fatal chick mistake of asking where it was going. I found that if you have to ask this question you are headed to Dumps Ville USA. At the time however I was learning to date the hard way by trial and error. So I put myself out there and got slaughtered by the lets just have a good time axe. Through the course of a year we have had a bizarre friendship. I have actually watched him make out with other girls and not felt any jealousy. Time and time again I have heard him recount his most recent sexapades . Over a decade ago this fool was actually into me. I would ignore his calls because I thought we had nothing in common, okay actually I thought he was a huge dork. These days women fall all over him, which still surprises me how shallow these woman are. To me he will always be the tall gangly kid that lived an eternity away. Except this time if tomorrow he magically had a girlfriend I would feel crushed. Now something very important to know about Mr. Solo Dolo is that while I have seen this man in a spectacular display of debauchery on more than one occasion. I have also seen his incredibly humble and profound side. What freaks me out is that I understand him. I relate to his dark twisted side and I'm attracted to how he owns it. Now on the flip side I have had the pleasure of getting to know the man behind the roguish demeanor and have met few other human beings with that kind of heart. I have heard him with his friends, watched him with his family, and experienced first hand how he puts the people he cares about most above himself. A trait I’ve found is rare in men these days.

Now it is my bad luck to constantly be in the most awkward of situations. I do some crazy things and put myself into the position where I proclaim Ah! This is my life! So I was not super surprised when I over heard Solo in an argument with his buddy. Before you think I’m psycho pants I want to state I was stuck in the kind of situation where you think to yourself, do I stay or leave, either way it is bound to be a loose-loose situation. I hear the guys arguing about not being good enough. They want solid relationships, but feel they do not have anything to offer a girl. I of course wanted to offer my two cents immediately, but I kept quite. They continued to talk about what they wanted out of their lives and how they had a long way to go. In this moment I don’t think I ever felt more uncomfortable and hurt. Here I was a woman who had her shit together wanting this guy just the way he was and it went completely unnoticed. So what did I do. Well first I shut the door as to say I can hear this, awkward. Then when Solo came back to the room I pushed away and I pushed hard. I said all the things I knew would send him running for the hills. Basically, I said a lot of girly crap. And guess what happened. He didn’t even stop to put on his running shoes. So I won that Match…right? Then it happened again this weekend. I was hanging out doing the whole friend routine, which I’m actually not being sarcastic when I say, I love. So it was a large group and Solo of course ends the night with a random in his room. I know she was the “winner” due to the simple fact that she was the last to leave the room. This is the first time it stung. It stung like opening your eyes in salt water, but for my soul. Attributing to this emotion is that I accidentally grabbed a peak of their make out session when all I wanted to grab were my sandals. Honestly, I have no idea if anything escalated beyond what I saw, but let's go with the proven track record and assume the deal was sealed. So why so many opinions now? Why after everything I have heard, seen, experienced do I care? How can you tell if a man is worth the fight or if he needs to kick rocks? And in any case when do commitment-phobes stop running from people who scare them most, the people that genuinely want to be there for them?

Here’s an artist that taps into your soul. Her voice is absolutely amazing. I love how she is a symbol for strength and femininity. Adele has an official video for Someone Like You, but live she is a powerhouse, so I choose the Letterman video instead.

What am I to you?

Girls are tricky! Sometimes I feel really bad for men because there are a lot of women who say one thing, but mean another. I am not one of them, but due to Pavlov’s Theory men assume I am. I due have to admit though I was like that, but not anymore. Shockingly I found by acting this way I was not getting what I wanted. Women also fall into the pit of expecting the guy to know exactly what we need from them without actually ever communicating our needs. How many times have you thought you were in a committed relationship with a guy only to find out he was not on the same page? You devote so much of your free time to him that dating around would be more of a chore than anything else, yet he seems to find all the time in the world. Committing to you did not even enter his mind. Especially when you have not communicated the idea.

Miscommunication was title to my summer blockbuster. It came up that Homeboy wanted to go somewhere with another girl and I couldn’t fathom seeing another guy. I even stopped spending time with Mozart so it wouldn’t interfere with my judgment. Now when I brought up to him that seeing this girl made me uncomfortable it gave him room to use my favorite come back of all time, “Well we never talked about us being exclusive so I don’t understand why your upset”. UGH! I did not have a rebuttal because he was right. I did not communicate that I cared about him…exclusively. Of course in the end it was best we parted ways because he could not give me what I wanted. I still think he is a good person just not for me.

In another friendship my girl Brooklyn is friends with this guy. It seems as though all he wants to do is make out with her. She keeps telling him, no. It must not be clicking because he keeps trying. So my advice for guys is: If she says NO she means it! I’m pretty sure this topic is covered in some important PSAs. Now I can see where he probably thinks she is playing hard to get. I’m sure girls in his past play the, “no I don’t want it, oh okay” game. I assure you she is not. Although at some point she will need to communicate, Buddy give it a rest already. My generation is one that loves having men as plutonic friends. So when we say that is all we want go ahead and believe us.

Then there are the times when we are head over heals in love with our plutonic male friends. Communicating these feelings seem like a death sentence waiting to be carried out. I have another girlfriend, Ella, who has a male friend that she is so in love with but terrified to say anything. So she keeps hanging out with him. From what she’s told me it is very Dawson’s Creek. They are close to being best friends and she can tell him anything, except how she feels. Now how many have you been where she is? So afraid to cross the line and ruin the friendship. I wish I had better advice for her. I always say be true to how you feel and go for it. Of course easier said than done! I have had a crush on someone for a long time now and don’t say one word for fear of it not being reciprocated. So what is worst, living in your own lonely hell or loosing the person that makes you happy? Is it worth the risk to lay it on the line? As you can see it did not end well for Buddy or myself.

“What Am I To You” by Norah Jones this song is so perfect for this post, if I do say so myself!




Okay this one is just for fun because I couldn’t resist! Keep watching for the audio clips. I remember being so in love with Pacey!

I'm That Special Kinda Girl...Friday Video!

Apparently it’s engagement season. I’m not sure if anyone else has noticed, but it feels as though the entire world is engaged right now. This Friday video comes from CeCe Peniston and is one I love to dance to, but cannot relate with. However, there are many people close to me that can. So in honor of the 3 weddings I’ll be attending this year here’s one to dance your ass off to…at least the guy is hot!

Oh and if your having trouble leaving comments I'm told if you list yourself under Anonymous it will let you.

Monogomy!

Here is a scene from the movie, How Do You Know. It’s a comedy with Paul Rudd, Reese Witherspoon, Owen Wilson, and Jack Nicholson. A little back-story for you: Owen’s character, Matty, is the stereotypical semi-pro athlete. Reese plays Lisa, a 31 year old softball player for the USA team, who has just been cut from the team and recently started dating Matty.

Matty is in the living room perched atop the arm of his couch texting. Lisa is in the next room the conversation carries on…

M: I’m gunna miss you babe
L: Echo that [pause] What are you gunna do with yourself?
M: Well I’m going to be teaching these great kids at this clinic and then I’m going to register for classes an the team is playing close by [walks into the living room] so I was thinking of stopping by, but anyway…

[She sees him texting, pauses. He turns to look at her and with a small gasp closes his cell and puts it back in his pant pocket.]

L: We need to talk for a second
M: Okay I will call you from the car.
L: Are we monogamous?
M: Look your feelin’ this way because of the road trip, but we don’t have time for this.
L: How much time does it take to answer?
M: Well the answers yes, of course, essentially.
L: What is essentially?
M: Let’s talk about it, essentially, here we go. Look I’m nothing like the wild man I used to be. You know and if it bothers you I can cut out even the anonymous sex because I think we’re heading for the biggest result that can happen for a dating couple and I’m thrilled about that.
L: Anonymous sex?
M: A guys willing to go a thousand miles for you and you criticize him because he admittedly hasn’t covered that last yard yet.
L: oh wow whew [she takes it in]
M: But damn it you know he’s trying I think your heart goes out a little…Lisa, Lisa, Lisa?
L: You have to get to the team bus. You never miss the team bus.
M: Okay.
L: We’ll talk.
M: Okay, okay, I’m gunna catch the, I’m a I’m a be on time, but we’ll talk okay?
L: We’ll talk. I’m moving out, but we’ll talk.
M: Whoa no no no no no you can’t, don’t break up with me.
L: See that’s the thing Matty is I don’t know if what we have is even anything breakable.
M: Of course it is and you’re doing it. Where are you going to go?
L: I’m in luck my tenants hate my place so they’re trying to go out of the deal…Just don’t miss the team bus okay!
M: Okay okay okay I’ve decided I’m going to be monogamous. I’m going to be monogamous, but you too right? I mean, you’re, you can still move out, but , but you’re gunna be monogamous too, okay?
L: [sigh] Sure…
M: Well give me a real yes
L: [sigh] ya…
M: Okay. I think it’s going to be okay. I know it’s going to be, I know it’s going to be okay.
L: Go
M: [sigh] Alright. Why do girls always look so pretty the minuet they’re not sure about you.
L: Ugh just get outta here.
M: Okay no not answering the phone! MONOGOMY!

I had to stop the movie and watch this scene again. It was not only hilarious watching Owen talk his way out of the situation, but oh so close to real life. Actually my post called, You’re Just A Boy covers how I feel about men and the R word. I just wanted to share this scene and how art reflects life everyday. Know you may be thinking, “Ah Karen get over it some guys just aren’t ready to settle down”. Well jokes on you because today I’m not talking about the men folk. I’m talking about us women who don’t want to settle. So take that pipe and smoke it!

“Monogamy is a bullshit story!” There is no reason to settle down for the sake of settling down. We are living in an age where woman have babies at 50, not recommended by the way, but you get my point. What’s the rush? I’m tried of going to events where people ask me, “Oh do you have a nice boyfriend?” I want to reply with, “No I have a really crappy one”, but then I realize this isn’t Juno and dark comedy goes severely underappreciated in real life. Every time I walk into my grandparents house I get asked, “How’s your boyfriend?” ummm when did I have one to ask about? I guess they’re just hoping one day I will say, “Oh he’s fantastic we’re getting married this spring and having a baby boy by Christmas!” Halleluiah, Amen! The world is right again.

After the smoldering piles of burned bras and 50’s advertising have cooled why is it that women are still held to certain life expectations? If I want to be a less whoreish version of Samatha Jones from Sex And The City I should have every right to be. So why the guilty? Or better yet why the doubt?

This video is the acoustic version because I’m not a big fan of the recorded one. I think Stereo is fun and of course I love that a woman came out with this song. Enjoy!

Follow You

Hunting. Man loves to hunt. They pack up their truck with expensive gear, take 2 weeks off of work, drive hundreds of miles, set up camp in the middle of nowhere, freeze their asses off , and sit in a tree for HOURS! All for what? I know campfire Starbucks isn’t that good. The fun is in the chase, the adventure of not knowing if they’ll win the trophy game or go home empty handed. Some laws only allows hunters to leave with one in the bag. If the hunter gets his one on the first day he can’t hunt for the rest of vacation and even though he has won his prize he still feels some dissatisfaction . I’m sure the correlation is obvious here. If something is too easy to get do we really want it? Better yet is it worth having?

Women are known for talking about how they don’t want to play games. All we want is to meet a nice guy that won’t break our hearts. Tried of dating the emotionally unavailable, immature, and unreliable men that walk all over our hearts we start dating guys outside of our type. Do me a favor and think about the type of men folk described above and what it felt like. Now think of the times you dated the safe ones. Which guy did you feel more alive and entertained by? I’m going to guess it wasn’t the latter.

Homegirl and I were talking about why we keep dating the same types of guys. Here are a few of the questions we asked each other: Are we masochists, are we equally emotionally unavailable, do we not want to settle down, holy crap do we have daddy issues??? Here’s a piece of advice for my man friends. If she is in her mid to late twenties and happy being single then you may want to watch out. Especially if you’re a nice guy because chances are she’ll eat you alive. I was friends with this dude, Chasez, and I was hot to trough for him. We didn’t live in the same town so most of our friendship grew through phone calls with the occasional dinner. When we finally moved closer together and hung out more frequently I found myself not wanting him anymore. He was a great guy who adored me. Now of course there were other issues, but what it came down to was that the chase was the biggest thrill. Once it became to easy and I saw that a real future was possible, I ran. Ever since then the only guy that has kept my attention is the one that keeps my emotions in check. He gives a little then pulls back and I eat it up like candy. This is not something I’m proud of nor do I completely understand why I let it happen. I want to share this with you because I know a couple ladies that are exactly like myself. We fight fight fight for the guy that we want to be with, but emotionally he runs from us. My girls and I complain about how we’re tried of giving everything to these guys, but when it comes down to it we don’t walk away. Why hunt when we just end up shooting ourselves in the foot?

Sadness I'm Your Girl

I know I usually have fun upbeat videos for Friday kick offs, but today this video serves a duel purpose. First, it’s a dedication to Brooklyn, a long time friend who is going through a rough patch. I uncomfortably relate to this video. I want her and everyone else to know you are not alone. Second, the next post will be another Lykke Li video so I wanted to warm you up to her. She has quickly become an artist whose music I feel a deep connection towards. I can’t wait for next weeks post/music duo. I love love love her videos . I will be talking about the men we can’t help but follow. I know for a fact this is a relatable topic for some of you ladies!

Here is the smallest peak into my private side. Normally I would say, “hope you enjoy”, but that’s not the point. Please just take it in…

Take These Rings

Like Drake says, “I’m just doing me and you can’t understand it”. The closer a woman gets to 30 the more society pressures her to put a ring on it, but what if that’s not what she wants? How are we even suppose to know what we want at this point in our life? With my 28th birthday around the corner marriage couldn’t be father from my mind. In fact, I am not even interested in dating. When or why my attitude changed I am not sure. I watch Facebook and see girls from high school and college settling down and having their 2 or 3rd kid. I want nothing to do with that lifestyle. What is that makes some woman want to settle down and others not?

I think every woman should have a period of time when they are completely on their own: no serious relationship, no casual dating, no fuck buddy. There are so many people that have never had the opportunity to rely solely on themselves. Usually people float from relationship to relationship without lag time. How are you suppose to learn about yourself if you’re never by yourself?

I was in a committed relationship for 6 years, yep 18 to 24. Then one day it was like the blinders came off and I saw that I was not my own person. I spent the most defining period of my adult life being shaped by someone else. I became the person that I thought he wanted me to be. I didn’t know what I wanted from my own life. Most every decision I made revolved around my perception of the way things were suppose to be. So I rolled the dice and did the hardest thing I’ve ever done. The entire year after I ended the relationship was the most challenging scary year of my life. I just kept telling myself you have to do this, you don’t even know who you are. I never felt so alone. Two and a half years later I have yet to be in a serious relationship, by choice. I’ve dated some really great men and some real pieces of work, but to this day there’s not one regret . That journey was the smartest move I could have made for myself.

When you’re a woman in your late 20’s early 30’s there is a fear of getting into a relationship and loosing that independence. If you’re a man your afraid to give up serial dating. I always thought that was the dumbest mind frame. When I was seeing Mozart his friends kept telling me, “He could meet the girl of his dreams tomorrow and he wouldn’t date her.” to which I scoffed and rolled my eyes, but now I get it. The worlds largest light bulb went off and I shutter to say I‘m now in the same boat. You get to a point in your life when being on your own is better than compromising for someone else. Only having to make decisions for yourself and not worry about pissing off your significant other is priceless. Plus I figure marriage will last a lifetime so why are people in such a damn hurry?

The following video is a cover band of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. So please don't worry about the video quality. The real Karen, yes we have the same name, is amazing and I suggest you look the band up. This video was the best recorded version of Cheated Hearts that I could find and post. Love this band love this song! Enjoy!

Have A Heart Weekend!!

Happy Labor Day Weekend Ladies!

I wanted to start this weekend with one of my favorite videos from one of my favorite bands. This band, Sleigh Bells, was introduced to me by of course, a dude. The artistic side of me will always have an irrational little crush on Mozart for introducing to some of my recent favorite musical artist. The best part of being single is the menagerie of fun things you collect from your fleeting flings.

Below is the video for Rill Rill. It’s off of Sleigh Bell’s debut album Treats, which is defiantly worth a download. You’ll see more postings in the future from this album like, Run The Heart, probably my favorite song. BUT for this Labor Day holiday here's a video TREAT that warms my heart and soul…my dark twisted soul…enjoy!

You're Just A Boy

I‘ve heard the following statement a lot, “Your great but, I’m just not ready for a relationship right now. I mean I’d like to keep hanging out because you’re a cool chick, but it’s up to you.” I respond with an, F You, and punch him in the face…okay maybe not, but I thought about it. After my overly dramatic response subsides I can never decide what I am most disappointed in, 1) He couldn’t have come up with a less stereotypical way to dump me, or 2) This is happening again.

Why is it that men are so scared of the “R” word?

The saying, “You can’t have your cake and eat it to” doesn’t seem to apply to most men. They want to be friends, have sex, and be able to date around. It is a well known fact that woman get emotionally attached after sex. Giving it up to an emotionally unavailable man is not something a self respecting intellectual female would do. Which means in order for him to eat that cake he has to feed you all the sweet things you wants to hear, “You’re beautiful”, “You’re different than other girls” and so on. Then before you know it you two are going to movies, hanging out multiple times a week and having mind blowing sex. For most women this means all lights are a GO! You find yourself happy. Maybe you don’t know where things are going, but you just enjoy his company and that priceless feeling that someone understands you. Then there goes your guard. Your guard is so low you couldn’t trip over it while walking blindfolded down the street .

To make a clear point I have a scenario for you ladies. Say you are in the above mentioned relationship. OH excuse me I mean the “R” word, don‘t want to scare you away now. So pictures this, time goes by. Your feeling pretty good about yourself and this re……ship. Then you find out homeboy is going to a concert with another woman. He, of course, reassures you it’s not a date they’re just friends. He must of forgot who he was talking to because your not an…idiot. So after doing the adult thing and effectively communicating about this quandary, he nonchalantly hands you, “Well we’re not together so I’m going to do whatever I want”. Obviously this man is selfish and you deserve better, but for arguments sake lets keep going. How do you handle this? What do you say? You were so incredibly happy one minute then your hopes were trampled on like an ant hill discovered by a little boy who is just having a good ol’ time.

Here is where men and woman appear to be different. For the woman nothing would have changed. A title. That was all she was hoping for. For the man his entire independent life would have been ripped away. She was about to clamp on the shackles and tie him to his Lazy Boy for life. And they say women are over dramatic. Why are men so afraid that monogamy and monotony are the same word?

Weekend Music Send Off

Happy Friday Ladies,

Every Friday I will post a video that will pump you up for the weekend.  I will usually pick artists that have a strong, sensual, unique, female voice. Music that make you feel not only sexy, but like you can go into the weekend and be in control of how you navigate the water of attraction.

This weekend's video is Indestructible by Robyn.  At first people respond to the physical nature of the video, but look past it and dig deeper.  Download it, throw it on your ipod, give your speakers some love. It will make you feel...well indestructible and you'll wanna dance!!

Be Smart, Be Safe, Be Yourself!

View music video at this link: http://youtu.be/ofbiKzpPPFg

Indestructible by robyn

Welcome!

Welcome to the first posting of, "He Said What?". My name is Karen and I am a 27 year old female who, I’m proud to say, has her life together. I have a great job that I love, friends that are fun and reliable, and the most stable family unit anyone could ask for. So what could possibly be missing from this equation of virtue and my stereotypical answer is: A MAN. That’s right a good ol’ fashion supportive, fun loving, and responsible figure that is not A) related to me or B) a girlfriend.  

I have a group of friends ranging from ages 23 to 31.  They are all successful, vibrant, and beautiful women. So why are they all single?  For the past 2 years I have been watching my friends date and one thing remains stead fast: No matter who the guy, where you meet them, what their age or ethnicity they all seem to be the same: Eternal Bachelors. How many times have you heard a guy say, “Your great, but I’m just not ready for a relationship”? Excuse me sir, I asked if you would drop me off at the airport, not marry me.

There are a lot of self-help books for woman. My all time favorite was, “Why Men Love Bitches”. Until my cousin, male of course, quizzically stated, “ So it’s a book that teaches you how to be an independent woman, but the end game is to land a man?”…damn, he's always right!  I have to admit though the book is still a guilty please of mine. If you want to feel empowered I suggest it. So I got to thinking since these Self Help book aren’t really useful and Sex And The City is only useful up to a point (God knows it’s my dating bible) where else besides my girlfriends can I find woman just like me. Woman who find themselves in the same predicament over and over.  These days dating feels like being able to swim in the shallow water, but when thrown into the deep end all you can do is tread water until someone throws you a life raft…not fun!

SO here is what I want to do. I want a blog where friends can post and chat about the single life and the stages of a relationship from a woman‘s point of view. A place where you can ask a question and get answers from all different types of free thinking intelligent women. I will put a structure to it so that it’s not just a mess of opinions. Every week a new question.  

This is not a blog to bash the male sex. Lord knows we love 'em.  It's also not to emote about how hard it is to be single, because it's only as hard as you make it. Personally I LOVE being single. When your on your own you learn so much about who you are and what you can do. If you don't know these things then, in my opinion, you are not ready for a relationship. This is a place for advice that you may or may not want to hear, so be careful what you ask! We are not doctors or therapists and we could be wrong, BUT we are here for each other and that's what matters. I hope that you will enjoy this bog and that you find solace in knowing you are not alone in this crazy dating jungle.

Please email me with any new questions or topics you want to discuss and I will post them as a subject to converse about every week: k.bombardier84@gmail.com

Feel free to share this with your friends so that we can create a diverse community.